Can a broken marriage be healed?

Short answer, YES it CAN be healed.  The bigger question is HOW a broken marriage can be healed.

I am not sure how you might define a “broken” marriage.  For me, one definition is a marriage that sees the spouses drifting or having drifted apart.  How many times have I heard someone say, “well, we just drifted apart.”  Think for a minute.  If either or both spouses see or feel that this is the case, weren’t there warning signs?  YES.  Drifting takes time.  Maybe it started due to a lack of time spent together.  Maybe because the focus was solely on the kids, and now they have left the nest?  That is, at some point, they allowed the focus on their marriage to become less than something – less than a job that required traveling, less than the kids, less than hobbies.  The marriage relationship must be second to only one other – and that is God.

The sad part is, once this drifting has reached a certain point, one or both spouses decide it’s just not worth the trouble anymore.  Really?  Instead of looking back to the way things were when you were first married and asking, “How can we get back there again?”, they are too willing to throw in the towel.  I know firsthand that the hurt from a divorce is greater than the effort you may have to put forth to try to mend the marriage.  And help is available.  You don’t have to do this alone.  I promise there will be regrets if you haven’t fought for your marriage.  I failed and suffered the hurt – still suffering in fact. 

What other part of the definition of “broken marriage” might there be?  And no doubt this one is more difficult.  It is sin.  Often this involves sexually related sin.  It might be an inappropriate relationship with the opposite sex outside of your marriage or it could be all the way to physical adultery.    This type of sin is listed in the Bible as reason for a divorce.  In Mathew 5:27-28, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery. ' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” But does it HAVE to end the marriage?  NO.  But believe me, this sin will take the power of God through the Holy Spirit to consider forgiveness and eventual reconciliation.  No matter how difficult, I have witnessed it.  After twelve years in marriage ministry, I have seen the miracle of marriage restoration. 

This is only possible if both spouses seek to have the marriage redeemed.  The guilty party must truly be ready to confess their sin first to God and then their spouse.  And it must be sincere!  Both spouses must be 100% committed.  The other spouse now must consider the value of the marriage.  They must also be willing to consider (reflect critically) if they, even in a small way, contributed to the other’s wondering.  And the chance of success is multiplied if the couple works with a coach or therapist.  It might be individual counseling for a while before the couple can effectively come together and work on redeeming the marriage. This absolutely will depend on the commitment of both spouses even when the going gets tough. Rebuilding the broken trust will take time.

Finally, let’s consider another sin – domestic abuse.  Domestic abuse is often considered physical abuse, but it is so much more.  It can be verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, and today, digital.  Sometimes abuse is seen in several of these areas.  God does not condone abuse. Statistics show that 80% of abuse takes place by the husband against the wife.  But it can be the other way around.  Abuse is the exercising of power and control over another human being.  Can this be overcome and the marriage redeemed?  Yes, but this is the most difficult of all marital issues.    Since the one with power and control cannot and will not see what they are doing to their spouse, it is very unusual for this individual (characterized most often as a narcissist) to be able to change.  It is not impossible, but it is much more difficult than other marital issues.

The abuser must be willing to submit to intense therapy.  They must be willing to sign a waiver for the therapist so the victim will be able to get the details of the ongoing treatment.  The victim will need therapy as well.  This is a long, hard road, but once again, if both parties are committed and depending on God to redeem what only he can redeem, it is possible.

In summary, all broken marriages can be healed.  However, no matter the reason for the brokenness, healing a marriage takes a total commitment from both spouses, and it takes the willingness of both to admit their sins and their role in creating the brokenness and be willing to take whatever steps are necessary to redeem and eventually restore the marriage.  Remember, with man things seem impossible, but with God, all things are possible.

If you would like help in repairing the brokenness, I (or I and my wife) would love to be your coaches.  Call us at 972-463-1937 or email me at ken@lkrchristianlifecoaching.com.

If you know you are in a domestic abuse or violence situation, you can call the domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233  (24/7).  If you live in the North Texas area, you can also reach out to Sisters of Grace Ministry at www.sistersofgraceministry.com or call 469-677-8568 (not 24/7).  Of course, if you are in immediate danger, call 911.