Recovering From a hurt in your marriage

We all realize (at some point) that we are not perfect people.  As much as we may try, we end up hurting our spouse.  It might be a smaller hurt – the result of an argument, an offhand remark, a poor decision of associating with a person who is not good for us, or a breach of trust.

Each of the hurts chisels away at the trust that is so vital in a thriving, loving marriage.  And sometimes it is difficult to understand how deep that hurt truly is.  Let me explain by giving an example from my own life.

Some twenty or so years ago, I had a senior HR generalist with whom I became friends.  Now I always recommend we find ways to be friendly with our staff, but being friendly is not the same as being friends.  Because we were “friends” rather than just friendly, we shared more than superficial thoughts and feelings.  She was going through some difficult times in her marriage, and she expressed some personal feelings with me.  There were a few times we went to lunch together, just she and I.  I was not sharing anything about my relationship with my wife.  Also, I always shared whatever the discussion was with my wife later.  I thought all was good.

What I did not realize was that this level of relationship with this female was creating a distrust in my wife. Was anything sexual going on?  No.  Never.  However, my wife saw it as an inappropriate relationship.  For a while, I disagreed.  However, after thinking deeply and prayerfully, I come to the conclusion that although I felt I had created sufficient boundaries in that relationship with my HR lady, in reality, I could be playing with fire.  I could be creating a temptation that could result in more than this “friendly” relationship.

I made the decision to tighten the boundaries around that relationship.  Private discussions were not encouraged (I found when I stopped probing and asking questions, the conversation ended more quickly).  I made it a policy to no longer go to lunch with her unless there was a group of us going.  Basically, I moved that relationship to a much more professional and appropriate one.  I removed any temptation.  And I did it for my wife, who I love and cherish, but found that it was also for me, to remove me from even the insinuation of a relationship that was anything more than office chatter.

How did I make that decision?  First, after self-searching and prayer, I told my wife that I understood her concern.  I admitted that I needed to apologize for not establishing a healthy boundary and asked for forgiveness.  It mattered to me what her perception of the situation was.  It was only later that I had to admit that indeed I was edging closer to playing with fire – being tempted.  I shared with her my plans to move that relationship to a more professional only one, and shared the steps I took to do just that.

She forgave me, but I also knew that forgiveness was not placing us back in a 100% trust situation. Although I was wanting to be back to that complete trust relationship, I knew it would take time.  She had every reason to doubt my sincerity.  I needed to earn back her trust.  The timing would be hers, not mine. 

I feel the trust was completely rebuilt.  I had to be patient, and most of all, consistent in my behavior to slowly regain the trust that had been lost.

Husbands or wives, please take my story to heart.  Perhaps you see this example as a small one, a slight breach of trust.  Or perhaps you see it as my wife did with more serious ramifications.  And perhaps the breach that you have experienced is far worse.  Perhaps a sexual betrayal.  Perhaps controlling behavior.  Whatever the hurt, the person who is or has done the hurt must be able to accept the depth of hurt that their spouse expresses and be willing and committed to (1) confess that what they did or what they are doing has broken the trust that a good marriage must have and ask for forgiveness, (2) make the necessary changes in their life so that the healing can begin, (3) understand that rebuilding trust takes time, and that time is dictated by the hurt spouse, not by the person who hurt their spouse, and (4) a key to rebuilding that trust is keeping the reformed behavior in discussion – remain open to “inspection” and feedback as to the progress of change.

Is it hard to regain the trust that was lost? Yes.  Is it worth it?  It is if your marriage is worth making and keeping it everything that God designed it to be.  Remember two scriptures:

Genesis 2:24  Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

1 Corinthians7:28b  ...But those who marry will face many troubles in this life…

If you are in a similar situation and feel stuck as to how to move forward in making the changes needed to begin to repair the hurt, my wife and I are here to help.  We work virtually and a discovery call is always at no cost.  Check us out at www.LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com or email me at ken@LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com.